This is the third in a very occasional series of posts in which we interview inanimate objects during fever dreams. This particular interview is with the purse that the internet will gleefully tell you was allegedly used by Solange Knowles to allegedly smack Jay-Z, the husband of her sister Beyonce, as was allegedly caught on alleged hotel security video.
So, how do you feel?
Famous, I guess.
Big week for you!
Big week for you.
For ... me?
Well, for you. [waves zippers] You know, all of you. You're having a lot more fun than I am.
What do you mean? You're famous! Being famous is fun!
You saw it. Did it look fun?
Well, I don't know that it looked fun, exactly —
Let me ask you a question: do you have a family?
I do.
Have you ever had a fight with them that you wouldn't want anyone to watch on video? Or, like, everyone to watch on video?
Well, we don't hit each other with purses, which I would think you would appreciate.
Hey, I do appreciate it. That's great. My kind, we have a long history of being used in combat. And we're delicate. And full of your precious things. But you didn't answer the question.
What was the question?
Are you serious? I'm a purse and I remember the question! I'm not sure you have enough to think about.
Oh, you asked whether I've ever had a fight I'm glad people didn't see on video. I would say ... yes.
Have you ever behaved in private, like in an elevator, in a way you're not super proud of?
I kind of feel like you're turning this interview around on me.
Well, I wouldn't want to do that.
You seem like a very opinionated purse.
Is that a question? I don't want to turn this around on you or anything. So go ahead, genius. Ask me a question.
Okay. Well ... what was the fight about?
I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to say. I can't even tell you who's in that video.
Why not?
Client-bag privilege. Do you know what women put in their purses?
Well ... I have a purse right now. So yes.
Would you like to continue this piece by explaining absolutely everything that's in it?
I ... no?
And fortunately, you don't have to, because of CLIENT-BAG PRIVILEGE. I'm saying. If they interviewed your bag right now, you wouldn't want it to tell everyone that there's still a bag from a filled prescription in it.
Well, that's true. I'm not famous, though.
If you became famous, you'd be okay with your bag giving it up as far as your prescriptions?
...I'm not sure my bag can talk.
Oh, you wish.
Wait. Are you talking to it right now?
I'm just saying, next time you stuff a blueberry muffin in there, you might want to put it in a plastic bag. Crumbs are a menace.
I never do that usually! That was like a year ago!
My point exactly.
You keep changing the subject.
What is the subject?
The subject is this elevator fight, and what it was about, because everybody is really curious.
Why?
It's just interesting. And it's been kind of rainy, and everybody likes the Met Gala, and this is sort of what we have instead of a royal family. In a way, it's a compliment!
Sort of in the same way picking a particular lobster out of a tank is a compliment.
Exactly! Wait.
No, I think I get it.
You have to understand, though, they love all this when it's positive. Being the quasi-royal family is not an accident. There's all this publicity, and they like it when it's friendly.
"That lobster was totally taunting me!"
That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that it's hard to convince people to feel sympathy for famous people who court all this bizarre attention up until it becomes unpleasant.
Believe me, you do not have to explain famous people to me, assuming that it was a famous person who was holding onto me in the video, which I can neither confirm nor deny. If you only knew the things I've seen and the money I cost. It's not so much sympathy as it is this feeling of ... what are you doing? I mean ... what, y'all have never seen people argue before? You've never seen family fights? Don't you watch The Real Housewives? I mean, who cares?
So "no comment" is what you're saying, sort of.
[snaps shut]